Thursday, June 18, 2009

How Not to Dress for a Wedding Three Weeks Post Partum

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My sister in law got married on New Year's Eve, three weeks after our seventh baby was born.

If that sentence right there doesn't strike fear into your heart, then you will not understand the rest of this post and you are probably one of those people, and by people I mean aliens, who gains 18 pounds your entire pregnancy and complain about those pesky five pounds that are still hanging on at the six week post partum check up.

Let's just say, I am not one of those. I gain between 40 and 50 pounds each pregnancy and for someone who is 5'1" that is not a pretty profile. I look something like a potato with feet.

Needless to say, it takes pert near a full year to shed all that weight and going to a country club wedding three weeks after delivering a baby was going to present some wardrobe challenges.

I was nursing a newborn for one thing, so I needed to consider that. I didn't think any of my stunning denim maternity wear would be appropriate so I figured I would need to buy something new for the occasion, but I hated to spend good money on an outfit that would hopefully be too big in no time at all.

That's when I had the genius idea to buy something that would be a touch on the snug side and wear it with the proper *foundation garment. That way, I would be able to wear the outfit as I slowly lost my baby weight. *(My mom used to call this a girdle, but "foundation garment" makes it sound so much more upscale, doesn't it? I think I shall purpose to use the word "garment" as much as possible this week.)

So I buy the smallest size skirt and top I think I can squeeze into and a teeny tiny rubber lined torture chamber foundation garment that looked like it might fit a six year old. I believe it was made of industrial strength rubber bands and bamboo.

In another stroke of genius, I never tried on said outfit until the weekend of the wedding (which we missed because of an ice storm, but I wore the outfit to church when we finally got there the next day.)

Word to the wise: Never wait until the day of to try on an outfit!

That undergarment was lined with rubbery strips which were meant to keep it in place. The thing is those strips made getting it in place a lengthy and arduous process.

It didn't help matters that during the half hour I was holed up in the bathroom trying to get that sucker on, my two year old wandered in and went from mesmerized to terrified with all the jumping and heaving and contorting I was going through that would have rivaled any Chinese acrobat.

By the time I got it on, I was sweating bullets and still wasn't completely dressed. The rest of the family was already waiting to get in the car, so I took a shallow breath, which was all the undergarment would allow and forged ahead with the skirt.

Have you ever tried to put on a skirt without bending from the waist? Very difficult. I don't recommend it at all if it can be avoided. That undergarment was so tight that I absolutely was incapable of bending over, so I finally decided to put the skirt on over my head. I hurriedly threw on the top and fanned myself, hoping the sweating would cease and desist, pronto!

When I got to the car everyone was waiting and I climbed in stiffly. I could see that sitting was going to be a challenge, so I went with the lounging posture. My husband looked at me skeptically and asked if I was okay. "Yes-sure-great-everything'sfine." I said, wide eyed and smiling a leeetle too widely.

During the church service, I managed to actually sit fully erect, but it was the most miserable hour and a half I have ever spent, not counting those hours with my legs in the air with various strangers yelling "PUUUUSH!!!"

I was certain my ribs were perilously close to puncturing my left lung.

Oh! How I could not wait to get home and rip off those clothes so I could throw on my trusty old maternity standbys.

Little did I know I was not through paying for my vanity. That undergarment was not giving up its hold on me without a fight. Remember the rubbery strips? That thing took on a life of its own and veritably clung to me like a parasite clings to its host.

For a moment I panicked and wondered what I would do if I couldn't get the thing off. Would I have to call for assistance and a sharp pair of scissors? Oh no! Not if I could help it! I refused to let the undergarment get the best of me and with one mighty tug and some Lamaze breathing techniques, I finally loosed that stubborn garment from my person and breathlessly vowed to never again let my vanity bring me so close to utter embarrassment and a team undressing event.

And that is the end of this tragic and dangerous "buy it too small and hope you can squeeze into it" story.

Don't let this happen to you, friends. Dress safely.


Amy said...

What? No pictures!?!?

Just reading this makes my ribs hurt, lol!!

Lora Lynn @ Vitafamiliae said...

Ah, yes, the "foundation." That's what they call it in the bridal stores, too, so brides can squeeze into their dresses when the stress makes them eat too many Little Debbies before their big day. :-)

I hate those things. And the rubber on there? Taken out way too many leg hairs that way.

Nikki said...

Oooch. Memories of struggling my way out of a nursing bra three days post-partum are flooding through my mind. Ugh. I could hardly breathe as I read your struggle.

And seriously, the main thing that stuck in my mind is 5'1". You are teeeeeny. My sister in law is 5'1" as well.

Abigail said...

I agree--no pictures? :)

I am not one of "those people" and right now being 2 weeks post-partum, I can so relate to not wanting to dress up to go anywhere!!

Shari said...

And why do they think rubber is the key to making it stay in place? Don't the unwanted rolls and such just keep it there? You are funny! I love your wit!

Lene said...

You know those email stories that get passed around and make you laugh so hard you cry? Well, this reminded me of one - I'm still cracking up!

RaisingOlives said...

"...not counting those hours with my legs in the air with various strangers yelling "PUUUUSH!!!"

Really LOL and I RARELY LOL. I'm more of a smiler. There is not much that is more uncomfortable than that!

Thanks for the laugh Connie.


Holly said...

That's what I was thinking, Connie. Pictures! I need graphics! :)

Smockity Frocks said...

Okay, you people are going to be sorry. I'm going to dig out a picture. Shield your eyes...

Dana~Are We There Yet? said...

Words to the wise, my friend. Words to the wise. Thank you for saving us from ourselves. I'm just hoping to live long enough to see the muumuu become a fashion staple.

Mrs. Huse Clifton said...

Yup I know that story al to well.

Brenda said...

OK--that is a great phrase. Foundation garments. THAT'S what I wear under my skirt every Sunday. But not the kind you described. Yikes.

Imagine the age of the corset! I honestly don't know how women did it.

henny said...

been there. done that. and decided I'd rather be flabby.

Heather L said...

LLLOOLLL! That was the most relistic telling of a foundation garment I have ever read! After having 5 kids I know that post partum 3 weeks the tummy wasn't helping either, they get all doughy about then and have only a playdough aquished shape. LOL I hope those pesky pounds runn for the hills and fast!
God bless
Heather L

Kara said...

Ohh, I'm laughing so hard. I remember being determined to slip on my pre-pregnancy jeans soon after my first was born. I seriously thought I was going to have to call Scott home from work to get them off!!

mamazee said...

so... did it work? did you look beautiful? this made me want a "foundation garment" :) - just to see, if after seven children, i too could have a firm, smooth midsection :) LOL! soooo tempted, and even your hilarious story didn't sway me... But we only have a walmart and a mark's work wearhouse in town so no foundation undergarments to be bought for love nor money... sigh...

TammyIsBlessed said...

Pictures would definitely complete this post! Thanks for giving me a laugh :)

HaleyP said...

This made me giggle and giggle as I recall I have done the same thing after having a baby! I love how you wrote this...exactly as we all feel in those moments!

*Mirage* said...

Oh my! ROFLMBO!!!! I so need a picture though. ;)

The Happy Housewife said...

I am laughing so hard! The funniest thing is that I bought one of those foundation garments for BlogHer. Unlike you, I decided to try it on before I went (with the tags attached, just in case). My big mistake was trying it on in my bedroom, with my husband looking on. After about 15 minutes of me heaving myself around trying to squeeze my thighs into the rubber band lined spandex torture device he looked over at me and said... "Is this your new form of birth control?"
I about died. I would have loved to run away but I couldn't and decided that these were not for me! After taking another 15 minutes to remove the device I put it back in the bag where it still sits waiting to be returned...

Raising Arrows said...

Oh my! I think I own the exact same "foundation garment"! I hate the thing, but w/ the huge muscle split I have after 6 kiddos...well, let's just say I NEED it.

Great story!

Kim said...

"Dress safely"

Bwahahahaha! I think I just found my new favorite phrase!

(and I'm 2.5 years post partum and still haven't lost it all!)

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