To The Producers of Wife Swap

Thank you for the invitation to appear on your television show. I have thoughtfully considered your offer and I would like to accept your invitation under the following conditions.

1. I will swap with a wife who has a certain knack, a gift you might say, a compulsion even, for organizing and packing boxes, preferably color coded and labeled.
2. That same wife must have potty trained children who have taken a vow of silence.
3. Those children must be proficient at giving back rubs and manicures.
4. The wife should be well known for drilling math facts and wiping up spills.
5. The home should be equipped with a live in maid.
6. And a private pool.
7. Heated.

I hope to hear from you soon!